A friend bought an apartment, a colleague got a promotion, acquaintances went on vacation, and one of your former classmates has already opened his own business. You sincerely understand that this is good news, but instead of joy, you feel sadness. The thought involuntarily arises: “Why does everything work out for them, and not for me?”
Points of attention
- Envy is mostly associated with the desire to get what another person has.
- Sometimes the successes of loved ones affect us more than the achievements of strangers.
- But the problem arises when comparison becomes the main way to determine one's own worth.
Envy is one of those emotions that people are reluctant to admit, even to themselves. It is often considered a sign of bad character, selfishness, or insecurity. However, psychology explains this feeling in a much more complex way.
Envy is a natural emotional reaction to comparing yourself to someone who has something you desire: achievements, opportunities, relationships, appearance, or a certain position. It doesn't make you bad, but it can become a problem if it turns into persistent dissatisfaction with yourself, hostility toward others, or compulsive comparison.
Research shows that envy does not always lead to negative consequences. Under certain conditions, it can motivate a person to develop and change their own life.
It is important to learn to understand what exactly causes this feeling, why other people's successes sometimes hurt so painfully, and how to react to them without self-blame.
We understand the difference between constructive and destructive envy, how to stop comparing yourself to others, and what psychological approaches can help.
What is envy from a psychological perspective?
The American Psychological Association (APA) defines envy as an unpleasant emotion that arises from the desire to possess the qualities, achievements, or capabilities of another person.
For example, you see that an acquaintance has successfully changed professions and you feel disappointed about your own career.
Or you find out that your friends' spouses have purchased a house, while your family still can't afford their own home.
In these situations, envy does not necessarily arise due to dislike for a specific person.
It is often associated with awareness of the difference between the desired and current situation.
How envy differs from jealousy
In everyday speech, these concepts are sometimes confused.
However, psychologically they have different accents.
Envy is mostly associated with the desire to get what another person has.
Jealousy usually arises from the fear of losing an important relationship or the affection of a loved one to someone else.
For example, you might be jealous of your friend's professional achievements.
But if a person is worried that their partner is paying more attention to another woman, it's more likely jealousy.
In real life, these experiences can be combined.
Is it normal to be jealous of loved ones?
Yes. Envy can arise even toward those we love and respect.
Sometimes the successes of loved ones affect us more than the achievements of strangers.
This is because we more often compare ourselves to people we perceive as similar in age, experience, or life opportunities.
For example, the success of a famous entrepreneur may seem distant, while the promotion of a colleague with whom you started working at the same time may cause acute annoyance.
This doesn't mean that you are not capable of rejoicing for your loved ones.
A person can simultaneously feel sincere affection for a friend and envy their achievements.
Why envy arises: the main psychological reasons
There is no one universal cause of envy.
Its intensity is influenced by personal beliefs, experience, life circumstances, and how important the sphere of comparison is to a person.
Constantly comparing yourself to others
Back in 1954, social psychologist Leon Festinger proposed the theory of social comparison.
It explains why people use information about others to assess their own abilities and status.
For example, it is sometimes easier to assess your professional level by comparing your work results with those of your colleagues.
But the problem arises when comparison becomes the main way to determine one's own worth.
Instead of asking, “Am I making progress toward my goal?”, a person constantly thinks, “Have I achieved more than others?”
Uncertainty in one's own abilities
Envy is sometimes intensified when a person doubts their own abilities or perceives someone else's success as proof of their own inadequacy.
For example, after a colleague is promoted, she thinks not about what skills helped him get the new position, but about how worthless she is.
However, envy does not always indicate low self-esteem.
This feeling can also be experienced by self-confident people, especially in situations related to important personal goals.
Unmet needs and unfulfilled desires
Sometimes envy points to an area of life that a person has long wanted to pay attention to.
For example, you are annoyed by photos of friends from their travels.
The reason may not be the desire to travel itself, but the feeling that you lack rest, freedom, or the ability to manage your time independently.
Therefore, it is important to find out what exactly you want to get, and not try to repeat someone else's life.
Feeling of injustice
Another person's success is especially painful when it seems undeserved.
For example, two employees have similar experience, but the person who you think put in less effort gets the promotion.
In this case, envy may be combined with indignation over an unfair decision.
It is important not to explain all such experiences as personal psychological problems.
Sometimes inequality of opportunity or unfair treatment really does exist.
White and black envy: is there a difference between them?
In everyday life, people often talk about white and black envy.
Psychological research also uses the concepts of constructive and hostile envy, although their relationship and definition remain a subject of scientific debate.
Constructive envy
This is an experience that can motivate a person to improve their own situation.
For example, you see that a friend has mastered a new profession and got an interesting job.
There is a feeling of regret, but at the same time the thought: "Maybe I should consider additional training too."
In a 2011 study, psychologists Niels van de Ven, Marcel Zeelenberg, and Rick Peters conducted four experiments looking at the effects of envy on motivation.
The results showed that constructive envy, under certain conditions, was associated with greater willingness to exert effort and better performance on individual tasks.
Particularly important was the person's conviction that the desired result could actually be achieved.
Hostile envy
Another reaction option is aimed not at one's own development, but at devaluing the person who has what they want.
For example, after a colleague's success, someone begins to spread rumors, belittle his achievements, or take pleasure in his failures.
This is no longer just an unpleasant experience, but behavior that can harm relationships.
The main difference is not how much you envy, but what you do under the influence of that feeling.
Why is constant envy dangerous?
A one-time feeling of resentment over someone else's success is not a sign of a psychological disorder.
However, constantly comparing yourself to others can negatively affect your emotional well-being.
Most often, the problem is associated with several consequences.
Deterioration in satisfaction with one's own life
If you constantly judge yourself by the achievements of others, even good results can seem inadequate.
You got a raise — but a friend earns more.
We bought a car, but someone had already bought a more expensive one.
This leads to an endless search for new reasons to compare.
Relationship tension
Jealousy can complicate friendships, family relationships, and work relationships.
For example, a person avoids meeting with friends because they don't want to hear about their achievements.
Or he begins to perceive any good news from others as a personal defeat.
However, emotion alone does not mean that the relationship will necessarily deteriorate. What matters is the behavior and the ability to talk about your feelings.
Anxious thoughts and emotional exhaustion
Constantly scrolling through thoughts about other people's advantages can turn into rumination - repetitive thoughts that do not lead to a practical solution.
A person returns again and again to the questions: why are others luckier, what is wrong with them, and when will their life finally change?
Such experiences can maintain tension and worsen mood.
At the same time, there is no reason to claim that envy itself directly causes specific diseases or "destroys the body from the inside."
9 ways to stop being jealous of others
The most useful goal is not to completely ban this emotion, but to learn to recognize it and choose a constructive response.
1. Admit your envy without self-blame.
The first step is to honestly identify exactly what you are feeling.
For example: "I'm sad that my friend has achieved something I've long dreamed of."
There's no need to immediately convince yourself that such a reaction is shameful.
Emotions can arise involuntarily. What is much more important is how a person deals with them.
As long as you don't put others down or try to harm them, experiencing envy itself doesn't make you a bad person.
2. Figure out why you're jealous.
Try to identify, not the person, but the specific circumstance that caused the unpleasant reaction.
For example, you envy a friend who opened her own business.
But what exactly is attractive?
Higher income, the ability to plan your own day, professional recognition, or freedom to make decisions?
These needs can be met in various ways.
Maybe you don't need your own business. You just need to find a job with flexible hours.
Practical exercise: complete the sentence “I envy this person because I lack…”.
Try to describe a specific need, not a general feeling that others are living better lives.
3. Stop comparing your entire life to someone else's individual success.
One of the most common mistakes is to evaluate one's own life in general based on one advantage of another person.
For example, you see that a friend has received a prestigious position and conclude that he is more successful in everything.
But you may not know how long he works, what his commitments are, or how satisfied he is with other areas of his life.
This doesn't mean you need to look for flaws in his life to feel relief.
It is more useful to admit that you only know part of the circumstances, and therefore a global comparison will not be accurate.
4. Compare your progress with previous results
Instead of constantly asking, “Why are others ahead?” try evaluating your own changes.
For example:
What have I learned in the last year?
What difficult situations were you able to overcome?
What works better now than before?
What opportunities have become available because of my decisions?
This approach does not deny the importance of social comparison.
Information about the successes of others can be useful for understanding opportunities.
But it should not become the only criterion of your value.
5. Turn envy into a concrete plan
If someone else's achievements point to a goal that is important to you, try to identify a realistic next step.
For example, you are jealous of a colleague who got a job at an international company.
Instead of daily dissatisfaction, you can find out what skills are needed for such vacancies.
Maybe you should improve your English, gain additional experience, or change the format of your resume.
But it is important to take into account the real circumstances.
Not all achievements are equally accessible due to differences in resources, health, family responsibilities, and life opportunities.
Envy can point you in the desired direction, but it should not force you to pursue an unattainable or actually alien goal.
6. Review your social media relationships
Social media creates many opportunities for comparison.
People post travel stories, professional victories, beautiful photos, and important life events.
At the same time, routine difficulties, conflicts, and failures often remain off-screen.
In a 2022 scientific review published in the journal Current Opinion in Psychology , researchers Adrian Mayer and Benjamin Johnson analyzed the relationship between social media, envy, and psychological well-being.
They concluded that the research results are mixed: the impact depends on the person, the nature of platform use, and other circumstances.
Therefore, there is no need to consider social networks a universal cause of envy.
However, if you regularly feel depressed after watching certain content, it's worth changing your information habits.
For example, hide individual posts, reduce aimless browsing time, or subscribe to materials that provide practical benefits.
7. Learn to notice what you have.
When attention is constantly focused on other people's strengths, one's own achievements can seem unimportant.
In such a situation, practicing gratitude sometimes helps.
For example, you can periodically write down a few things that are important to you: support from loved ones, a completed project, an opportunity to learn, or a small success.
Research on gratitude practices shows that they can have moderate positive effects on psychological well-being.
However, gratitude should not turn into a prohibition on striving for more.
You can simultaneously appreciate what you have and want to change certain circumstances.
8. Separate your own worth from the achievements of others
Someone else's success does not automatically mean the loss of your opportunities.
If your friend got a high position, it doesn't prove that you are a bad specialist.
If your friends have purchased a home, it doesn't make your family any less successful.
At the same time, in some situations, resources are truly limited.
For example, two employees may apply for the same position.
In this case, disappointment is understandable, but it should not turn into a global negative assessment of oneself.
It is useful to separate the specific result from the general idea of one's own personality.
9. Treat yourself with more kindness
Sometimes envy is accompanied by harsh self-criticism.
A person not only gets upset about someone else's success, but also begins to blame themselves for not working, earning, or achieving enough.
In such situations, it is helpful to practice self-compassion—the ability to relate to one's own difficulties without putting oneself down.
For example, instead of "At my age, it's already a shame not to have your own home," you could say:
"I regret that I have not yet achieved this goal. But my circumstances are different from others, and I can appreciate the opportunities available."
This does not mean abdicating responsibility or justifying any decisions.
It's about being realistic about yourself.
How to stop being jealous of a friend or loved one
Jealousy in a friendship can cause particularly strong feelings of guilt.
We expect unconditional joy from ourselves for our loved ones, so our own sadness seems like a sign of insincerity.
In fact, friendship does not require the absence of complex emotions.
For example, a friend announces her pregnancy, while you are having difficulty conceiving.
You can sincerely wish her well and at the same time feel sad about your own situation.
You don't need to force yourself to immediately show admiration.
You can congratulate your friend and allow yourself time to grieve.
Should you admit to envy?
It depends on the nature of the relationship and the purpose of the conversation.
Sometimes a sincere confession helps reduce tension.
For example: "I'm very happy for you, but I'm going through a difficult time right now, so I can be a little quiet."
At the same time, you don't need to shift the responsibility for your own envy onto your loved one.
It's unfair to demand that she hide her achievements just so you don't feel uncomfortable.
Envy of more successful colleagues: how to behave at work
The professional environment constantly creates opportunities for comparison.
People receive different salaries, raises, bonuses, and recognition.
Therefore, envy of colleagues is an understandable reaction.
But it is important to separate emotions and work behavior.
You should not devalue another employee's achievements, spread gossip, or sabotage their work.
Instead, you can discuss your own prospects with your manager.
For example, ask what criteria are used for promotion and what results need to be demonstrated.
If career development decisions are opaque, the problem may lie not only in your experiences, but also in the organization of work.
How to stop being jealous of other people's wealth and beautiful lives
Material envy is often associated with perceptions of success and social status.
An expensive car, a large house, or a vacation at a prestigious resort can be perceived as proof that another person has a better life.
However, it is worth distinguishing between the desire to have a specific thing and the desire for what it symbolizes.
For example, envy of homeowners may be related to a need for space, privacy, or stability.
And travel envy — with a desire for relaxation and new experiences.
When you identify a true need, more ways to meet it emerge.
At the same time, there is no need to devalue material difficulties. If a person cannot cover basic needs, the problem cannot be solved by changing their mindset alone.
Why envy can increase during life crises
Jealousy sometimes becomes more acute after job loss, divorce, financial difficulties, or a forced move.
During such periods, the achievements of others can be a particularly strong reminder of one's own losses.
For Ukrainians during the war, this issue has an additional dimension.
People are in very different conditions: some remain in a dangerous region, some have moved abroad, some have lost property or the opportunity to work.
Comparing life circumstances can cause sadness, resentment, and a sense of injustice.
It is important to remember that not all people had the same choices.
In such situations, it is more useful to focus on available support, real needs, and the gradual restoration of stability than to demand a complete absence of envy from oneself.
How to help a child who is jealous of others
Children can also experience envy.
For example, a child gets upset when a classmate gets a new toy or when a sibling receives praise.
Such reactions do not necessarily indicate selfishness.
The child gradually learns to compare himself with others, understand differences, and cope with disappointment.
How to respond to parents correctly
There is no need to shame a child with the words "It's bad to be jealous" or "You are ungrateful."
It is better to help name the feelings.
For example: "Are you upset that your friend has such a toy and you don't?"
After that, you can explain the family's options and discuss whether the child really needs something like this.
When it comes to the achievements of other children, it is worth paying attention to individual progress.
Instead of making the comparison, “Look how well your sister is studying,” it’s more useful to note specific skills that the child has already mastered.
At the same time, you don't need to force her to rejoice in someone else's success if she's upset.
First, it is important to help cope with emotions.
A simple exercise that helps you understand your own envy
If envy regularly arises in certain situations, you can try a short writing exercise.
It helps to separate the event, thoughts, emotions, and possible actions.
| Question | Example answer |
| What happened? | A colleague got a new position |
| What emotion did I feel? | Resentment, envy and disappointment |
| What thought arose? | I am lagging behind in my professional development. |
| What facts confirm this? | I haven't reviewed my career goals in a long time. |
| What can I change? | Assess skills and discuss prospects with manager |
| What is out of my control? | Company decisions and colleague's career |
The exercise is not intended to establish a psychological diagnosis.
Its task is to help move from general dissatisfaction to a more specific understanding of one's own needs.
If analysis turns into an endless repetition of negative thoughts, it is better to take a break.
When to see a psychologist because of envy
Envy in itself is not a mental disorder.
However, professional support may be helpful if this feeling:
constantly occupies your thoughts;
significantly worsens relationships;
accompanied by strong self-criticism;
leads to social isolation;
causes obsessive comparison with others;
combined with a prolonged depressed mood;
encourages aggressive or destructive behavior.
A psychologist or psychotherapist can help explore beliefs about self-worth, the need for approval, and ways of responding to comparisons.
If envy is accompanied by severe depressive symptoms, anxiety, or other disturbances in daily functioning, it is important to consult a doctor.
Conclusion
Envy is not evidence of bad character. It is a complex emotion that arises when we compare our own capabilities and achievements with those of others.
It becomes a problem when a person constantly devalues themselves, loses the ability to enjoy their own life, or begins to harm others.
The most useful thing is not to forbid yourself from being jealous, but to learn to understand what need this feeling indicates.
Sometimes it suggests that you should change your professional goals, reconsider your priorities, or pay more attention to your own well-being.
Other people's achievements can be a source of inspiration, but they should not become the sole measure of your success.
FAQ: Frequently Asked Questions About Envy
How to stop being jealous of other people?
Start by identifying the situations that trigger envy and the needs behind the emotion. It is helpful to reduce intrusive comparisons, assess your progress, and set realistic goals. You don't have to demand that envy disappear completely.
Why am I jealous of everyone around me?
The cause may be unmet needs, insecurity, a life crisis, or the habit of constantly comparing yourself to others. At the same time, it is impossible to establish a psychological cause based on the fact of envy alone. If the experiences are debilitating and long-lasting, professional consultation may help.
What is the difference between white envy and black envy?
In the popular understanding, white envy is associated with the desire to achieve a similar result, while black envy is associated with hostility and devaluation of another person. In psychology, a similar distinction between constructive and hostile envy is explored, although the terms and mechanisms remain a matter of debate.
Is it normal to be jealous of friends?
Yes. Jealousy can arise even in close relationships, especially when the other person achieves a goal that is important to you. The feeling itself does not mean that friendship is lacking. What matters is how you respond and whether you respect the other person's accomplishments.
How to stop being jealous of other people's wealth?
Try to determine what is most appealing about the other person's financial situation: security, freedom, housing, or the ability to relax. Then, evaluate realistic ways to improve your own situation. At the same time, it is important to take into account objective economic circumstances and differences in opportunities.
Can envy motivate you to succeed?
Yes, under certain conditions. Research shows that constructive envy can increase motivation to improve, especially when the desired outcome seems achievable. However, it is not a universal effect and does not guarantee success.
How to stop comparing yourself to others?
It's unlikely that you can completely avoid social comparisons. But you can reduce their frequency and impact by limiting content that reinforces self-loathing, defining your own criteria for success, and measuring your own progress. It's also helpful to remember that you don't know all the circumstances of someone else's life.
Is envy a sign of low self-esteem?
Not necessarily. Self-doubt can increase envy, but this feeling also occurs in people with generally positive self-esteem. Its intensity is influenced by personal values, the situation, and the nature of the comparison.
How to teach a child not to be jealous?
It is useful to help a child name their own emotions, discuss their desires, and understand that people have different abilities. You should not shame them for being jealous or constantly compare them with other children. It is better to pay attention to their own development and teach them to respect the achievements of others.
Can envy cause depression?
Studies have found a link between negative social comparisons, envy, and depressive symptoms. However, this does not prove that envy causes depression. The relationship can be complex and two-way. It is important to seek professional help if you are experiencing prolonged low mood.
Important: The article is for informational purposes only and does not replace the advice of a psychologist, psychotherapist or doctor. Self-medication of mental disorders can be harmful to health. If envy is accompanied by persistent depressed mood, pronounced anxiety, intrusive thoughts or significantly affects daily life, be sure to consult a doctor or mental health professional.
