How to stop being jealous of others: why envy arises, why it is dangerous, and how to deal with it

However, envy is a natural reaction to comparing ourselves to others, not an automatic sign of bad character. It arises when someone has something that is important to us: material opportunities, professional recognition, personal relationships, abilities, or a certain lifestyle.

This emotion in itself is not a mental disorder. But constantly focusing on the advantages of others can increase dissatisfaction with oneself, provoke conflicts, and prevent you from focusing on your own needs.

At the same time, psychological research shows that envy is not always destructive. Under certain conditions, it can motivate a person to set goals, master new skills, and change their own lives.

We understand why we envy loved ones, friends, and even strangers, whether envy is really harmful to our health, and how to learn to react to someone else's success without constant self-blame.

What is envy from a psychological perspective?

The American Psychological Association (APA) defines envy as an unpleasant emotion that arises from the desire to possess the qualities, opportunities, possessions, or achievements of another person.

The key mechanism here is social comparison.

We assess our own situation by paying attention to the people around us. This helps us understand what outcomes can be achieved and what opportunities exist.

But comparison can cause painful experiences if someone else's advantage concerns something personally important.

For example, someone who is not interested in cars is unlikely to be very concerned about an acquaintance's expensive car. Instead, they may be intensely jealous of their freedom to manage their own time.

How envy differs from jealousy

These concepts are often used as synonyms, but there is a fundamental difference between them.

Envy occurs when we want to have what another person has.

Jealousy is usually associated with the fear of losing something important, most often affection or a relationship with a loved one.

For example, you might be jealous because your friend has more free time for herself.

But if you are afraid that your partner will fall in love with another person, this is already an experience of jealousy.

Both emotions can be accompanied by anxiety, resentment, and uncertainty, but have different psychological mechanisms.

Why are we more likely to envy people who are similar to us?

Other people's achievements don't always elicit the same reaction.

For example, the success of a famous athlete may seem exciting, but far from our lives.

But the victory of a person who started in similar conditions and works in the same field is sometimes experienced much more acutely.

In studies of envy, psychologists pay attention to the personal significance of the comparison sphere.

The more important a goal is to us and the closer another person seems in terms of capabilities, the more noticeable the contrast between their outcome and our situation can become.

Why envy arises: five common reasons

Envy is rarely explained by a single factor.

Sometimes it is related to ambition, sometimes to unmet needs, and in some situations, to real injustice.

1. Feeling like you are falling behind others

At a certain age, people begin to compare not only individual achievements, but also life stages.

Someone has already purchased a home, started a family, or built a career, while their own plans still remain unrealized.

The problem arises when societal expectations are perceived as a mandatory life schedule.

In reality, there is no universal age for marriage, parenthood, career success, or real estate acquisition.

People's life opportunities vary significantly, and the speed of achieving a certain goal does not determine a person's overall value.

2. Lack of confidence in one's own abilities

If a person doubts their own abilities, someone else's success may seem like proof of their own inadequacy.

For example, a designer sees a colleague's strong work and, instead of being professionally interested, thinks that he will never reach a similar level himself.

However, not all envy indicates low self-esteem.

Even confident people can react painfully to the achievements of others, especially when it comes to an important personal goal.

3. Unmet needs

Sometimes we are not jealous of specific things, but of what they symbolize.

For example, someone else's successful business may be associated with freedom, the ability to make one's own decisions, or financial stability.

But that doesn't mean you necessarily need to become an entrepreneur.

Perhaps the real need is more independence at work or a more predictable income.

That is why it is useful to distinguish between the desire to repeat someone else's result and the desire to change a certain area of your own life.

4. Feeling of injustice

Envy can be exacerbated when someone else's advantage seems undeserved.

For example, an employee learns that a management position has been given to a person who, in his opinion, has less experience.

In such a situation, envy can be accompanied by resentment and anger.

Research by psychologists Niels van de Ven, Marcel Zeelenberg, and Rick Peters has shown that assessing the fairness of someone else's advantage can influence the nature of envy.

At the same time, there is no need to explain any indignation solely with personal insecurity.

Sometimes decisions are truly unfair, and therefore require a practical response, not just psychological work on yourself.

5. Constantly reviewing other people's achievements

Social media has made comparison much more accessible.

Within a few minutes, you can see other people's engagements, professional victories, beautiful interiors, and impeccably organized family lives.

At the same time, we often do not know the circumstances that remained outside the publication.

A 2023 scientific review on the connection between social media, envy, and depressive symptoms found correlations between these phenomena.

However, the researchers stressed that the cause-and-effect relationships are complex. Depression may also increase the tendency to make negative social comparisons.

Therefore, it is incorrect to claim that browsing social media necessarily causes envy or depression.

White and black envy: are there really two types?

In everyday speech, people often talk about white and black envy.

Psychology uses the concepts of constructive and hostile envy, although researchers do not always define these categories in the same way.

Constructive envy: when someone else's success motivates

Let's imagine that an acquaintance has independently mastered a new specialty.

You have also been thinking about a professional change for a long time.

His success is disappointing, but at the same time it shows that the desired outcome can be achieved.

In this case, envy sometimes motivates you to take action: seek out training programs, evaluate your own skills, or plan for change.

In a study called Why Envy Outperforms Admiration , published in 2011, researchers found that constructive envy, under certain conditions, increased motivation for self-improvement.

Of particular importance was the belief that the desired result could actually be achieved.

Hostile envy: when you want to devalue another person

Another option arises when a person does not so much seek to improve their own situation as they want to diminish someone else's advantage.

For example, she spreads hurtful rumors, ridicules the achievements, or rejoices in the failures of someone she envies.

This reaction can damage relationships and professional reputation.

However, not every unpleasant comment is a manifestation of envy. It is impossible to reliably determine the motives of a particular person based on their words alone.

When envy doesn't motivate, but depresses

There is another important situation: a person really wants a certain result, but considers it unattainable.

She does not wish harm to others, but constantly feels her own inadequacy.

For example, someone is worried about the inability to have children and reacts painfully to news about the pregnancy of their acquaintances.

Such an experience does not necessarily translate into motivation.

Sometimes it primarily reflects loss, sadness, or difficult circumstances that cannot be changed by willpower.

Therefore, the advice "just turn envy into an incentive" is not suitable for every situation.

How dangerous is envy for psychological health?

Envy is often called a destructive emotion.

However, it is important to distinguish between scientifically established connections and exaggerations.

There is no convincing evidence that any manifestation of envy automatically harms the body.

The consequences largely depend on the intensity of the experiences, their duration, accompanying circumstances, and the person's behavior.

Constant dissatisfaction with oneself

When a person regularly evaluates their own life through the achievements of others, even good results can seem inadequate.

For example, a completed complex project no longer brings satisfaction if someone else has received a more prestigious award.

Gradually, the focus shifts from personal progress to endless comparison.

However, this does not mean that jealousy will necessarily cause low self-esteem. Relationships can be complex and reciprocal.

Anxious thoughts and emotional exhaustion

Sometimes a person returns to the same situation repeatedly.

She replays someone else's victory, looks for explanations, compares possibilities, and imagines how things could have turned out differently.

In psychology, repetitive dwelling on unpleasant thoughts is called rumination.

This habit can maintain a negative emotional state and prevent you from moving on to practical solutions.

Tensions in friendship and family

When envy influences behavior, conflicts can arise.

For example, a person avoids friends, stops being interested in their lives, or reacts to good news with sarcasm.

Sometimes this leads to distancing.

It is entirely possible to experience jealousy and continue to love a loved one at the same time.

A difficult emotion in itself does not destroy a friendship. What matters is how we act under its influence.

Does envy really harm the heart and immunity?

You may come across claims that envy increases the risk of heart attack, suppresses immunity, or directly causes chronic diseases.

Such statements should be treated with caution.

Prolonged psychological stress may indeed be associated with negative health consequences. Its mechanisms are being investigated in cardiology, psychiatry, and psychoneuroimmunology.

However, scientific evidence on the effects of chronic stress does not prove that envy itself is the direct cause of a specific illness.

Similarly, studies of brain activity during the experience of envy do not imply that this emotion literally causes the same physical damage as trauma.

Unpleasant experiences may be accompanied by physiological reactions, but they should not be automatically equated with illness.

If you have trouble sleeping, persistent anxiety, chest pain, or other physical symptoms, you should see a doctor and not just attribute them to jealousy.

How to stop being jealous of others: eight practical ways

The best strategy is not to demand that the emotion disappear completely, but to learn to understand why it arose and how to respond to it without harm.

1. Admit your envy without shame

The first step is to stop convincing yourself that you have no right to feel upset.

For example: "I was touched by this news because I have also been striving for a similar result for a long time."

There's no need to justify unpleasant behavior. But there's no point in punishing yourself for the emotion itself.

Feelings are not always voluntary. Instead, behavior can be learned to regulate.

2. Identify why you are jealous.

Try to formulate the subject of envy as specifically as possible.

For example, you are annoyed by the popularity of an author you know.

But what exactly do you want: recognition, a larger audience, professional freedom, or the opportunity to earn money through creativity?

These desires require different solutions.

If the real goal is more creative freedom, you don't necessarily have to become a popular blogger.

Perhaps it's enough to find a space for your own projects.

3. Check how fair your comparison is

We often compare our own life in general to the most successful part of someone else's.

For example, we see a person's outcome, but we don't know their initial capabilities, costs, support, or circumstances.

This does not mean that you need to look for hidden problems in someone else's life.

It's more important to recognize that you may simply not have enough information to make an objective comparison.

4. Separate your desired goal from someone else's biography

Not everything we envy truly aligns with our values.

For example, a person may envy the owners of large businesses, even though they themselves do not want to work in a highly competitive environment and take responsibility for dozens of employees.

Therefore, it is useful to ask yourself:

"Do I want this kind of life, or just the result I see from the outside?"

This helps avoid pursuing goals that seem prestigious but do not bring personal satisfaction.

5. Turn an achievable desire into a plan

If envy points to an important and realistic goal, identify the first practical step.

For example, a friend has started speaking at professional conferences, and you also want to share your expertise.

You can start with a short speech in front of your colleagues or prepare material on a specialized topic.

The goal is not to surpass the other at any cost.

It is more useful to use other people's experiences as information about possible paths of development.

6. Reduce unnecessary comparisons

If certain social media pages consistently trigger feelings of inadequacy, try changing your information environment.

You can hide individual posts, limit aimless browsing, or unsubscribe from content that is not useful.

You don't need to completely abandon the Internet.

Sometimes it's enough to stop regularly viewing materials that make you feel worse.

7. Pay attention to your own progress

Instead of asking, “Why is he ahead?” try to assess what has changed in your life over the past year.

For example:

• What difficult tasks have I learned to perform?

• What works better now than before?

• What problems were solved?

• What do I want to achieve regardless of other people's results?

It is not necessary to make a long list of achievements.

Even small changes can help you see your life more fully.

8. Be kind to yourself without being too harsh.

Envy is often accompanied by self-criticism.

A person doesn't just want more, but begins to call themselves a failure because they haven't achieved a certain result yet.

Try replacing a general negative conclusion with a more specific description of the situation.

Instead of "I haven't achieved anything" - "I am unhappy with how my career is developing and want to reconsider my next steps."

The World Health Organization's materials on stress management mention accepting difficult experiences, distancing oneself from negative thoughts, and having a kind attitude toward oneself among helpful approaches.

This doesn't guarantee that envy will disappear instantly, but it can help you respond to it more constructively.

A simple exercise: how to understand what envy signals

If a certain situation is bothering you, try writing down your thoughts briefly.

This does not require a special diary or complex psychological techniques.

It is enough to answer a few questions.

It is important not to turn the exercise into an hour-long analysis of someone else's life.

Its goal is to help you move from an unpleasant emotion to understanding your own needs.

How to stop being jealous of loved ones

Envy of relatives or friends can cause particularly intense shame.

We expect to be happy for our loved ones under all circumstances.

However, real feelings are more complicated.

For example, your brother received financial assistance from his parents, while you once had to solve similar problems on your own.

There is envy, but at the same time there may be a completely justified question about the fairness of family arrangements.

In such a situation, you don't need to automatically blame yourself for negative emotions.

It is more useful to separate feelings from the specific problem.

If the issue concerns the fair distribution of aid, it can be discussed without personal insults.

Should you tell your loved ones about your envy?

It depends on the nature of the relationship.

Sometimes honest conversation helps reduce tension.

For example, you could say, “I really want to support you, but this topic is not easy for me right now.”

However, you shouldn't demand that your loved one hide their good news or feel guilty about their own achievements.

Personal experiences do not give you the right to control someone else's life.

What to do if you are jealous of a colleague at work

Professional envy is often related to pay, recognition, career advancement, and access to opportunities.

For example, a colleague starts working on a prestigious project that you were also counting on.

Before evaluating yourself or another person, it is worth clarifying the specific circumstances.

Perhaps the decision was related to the experience, availability of the employee, or specific requirements.

Or perhaps the company really does have opaque principles for distributing opportunities.

It is useful to talk to your manager about the selection criteria, your own prospects, and the required competencies.

If conditions are unfair, it is worth working on the specific organizational problem, rather than just trying to muffle the emotion.

Envy of someone else's appearance: how to stop comparing yourself to others

Comparing appearances can be especially exhausting due to social media, advertising, and the constant presence of edited images.

A person sees a photograph that meets popular standards of beauty and begins to evaluate their own body through this image.

It is important to consider that photos can depend on lighting, angle, processing, and many other factors.

But even if someone else's appearance is not altered, it doesn't make your body any less valuable.

If comparisons constantly affect your eating, social life, or attitude towards yourself, it is advisable to consult a psychologist or doctor.

You shouldn't compensate for envy with extreme diets, dangerous drugs, or exhausting workouts.

Jealousy in relationships: why someone else's family happiness can be upsetting

Sometimes people are jealous not of money or career, but of closeness.

For example, acquaintances demonstrate warm relationships, shared hobbies, and mutual support, while conflicts have accumulated in your couple.

In this case, jealousy may indicate that there is a lack of attention, communication, or emotional closeness in your own relationship.

But you shouldn't draw conclusions about someone else's family based solely on public photos.

It's more useful to focus on what exactly you would like to change in your own relationship.

For example, agree on shared time, discuss the division of responsibilities, or consult a family psychologist.

At the same time, in situations of violence or coercion, the priority should be safety, not an attempt to preserve the relationship at all costs.

Why you shouldn't demand gratitude from yourself instead of envy

A popular piece of advice is to remember everything good in your life every time you feel jealous.

Gratitude practices are indeed being researched as one way to support psychological well-being.

But they should not turn into a prohibition on feeling dissatisfied.

For example, a person may appreciate the support of loved ones and at the same time worry about a lack of money.

Or be grateful for your job, but strive for better pay and fairer conditions.

Such feelings do not contradict each other.

Gratitude doesn't mean you have to give up on wanting to change your own life.

It is more useful to combine recognition of existing resources with realistic planning for future changes.

How not to raise a jealous child

Children can also be jealous.

For example, a younger child gets upset when an older child is allowed more, or a schoolchild gets worried about a classmate's achievements.

There is no need to immediately call a child envious or ungrateful.

It is more important to help her understand her own feelings.

You could say, “Are you upset that your sister got an award and you didn’t this time?”

After this, it is useful to discuss what exactly upset the child and what support they need.

You should not use other people's achievements as a way to exert pressure.

Phrases like “Look how well your friend is studying” can turn learning into a constant competition for adult approval.

Instead, it is worth paying attention to the child's personal progress and helping them set achievable goals.

How to understand that envy has become a problem

Episodic experiences of envy do not require treatment.

But if it constantly occupies your thoughts and affects your behavior, you should pay more attention to your own psychological state.

The following symptoms may be alarming:

• regular obsessive comparisons of oneself with others;

• inability to rejoice in one's own achievements;

• constant feeling of inferiority;

• avoiding loved ones because of their successes;

• a desire to humiliate or harm another person;

• prolonged depressed mood;

• Disturbances in sleep or daily functioning.

None of these signs alone can establish a mental disorder.

However, if the experiences are strong, recurring, and interfere with normal life, it is advisable to seek professional help.

When to see a psychologist

A psychologist or psychotherapist can help explore the beliefs that support painful comparisons.

For example, a person may believe that they have the right to self-respect only if they have a high income, social recognition, or a certain family status.

Such settings are sometimes difficult to review on your own.

Psychological work can use methods that help you notice automatic thoughts, change unhelpful ways of responding, and better understand your own values.

If envy is accompanied by persistent anxiety, severe depressive symptoms, or other health disorders, it is important to consult a doctor.

You cannot diagnose yourself or prescribe medications for yourself.

Conclusion

Envy is a complex but common human emotion. It arises when someone else's advantage affects a need, goal, or perception of our own success that is important to us.

Envy in itself does not make a person bad and is not evidence of a psychological disorder.

The problem arises when an unpleasant feeling turns into constant self-deprecation, hostility towards others, or obsessive comparison.

To better cope with envy, it is important to understand its true cause, separate your own goals from the achievements of others, and learn to evaluate your personal progress.

Sometimes envy suggests a direction for development. Sometimes it reminds us of loss, injustice, or the need for support.

The main thing is not to let someone else's success determine your value and not to turn it into a constant reason to be dissatisfied with your own life.

FAQ: Frequently Asked Questions About Envy

How to stop being jealous of other people?

Start by identifying the specific cause of your envy. Figure out what exactly you lack, whether the desired goal aligns with your values, and what you can realistically change. It's helpful to reduce unnecessary social comparisons and assess your own progress.

Why am I constantly jealous of others?

Constant jealousy can be related to unmet needs, low self-confidence, the habit of comparing yourself to others, or difficult life circumstances. However, it is impossible to establish the exact cause without an individual assessment.

How dangerous is envy to health?

Long-term negative comparisons can be associated with stress and psychological distress. However, there is no evidence to suggest that envy itself directly causes heart attacks, immune disorders, or other specific diseases.

What is the difference between white envy and black envy?

In everyday terms, white envy encourages self-improvement, while black envy is accompanied by hostility and a desire to devalue another. In psychology, a similar distinction is explored between constructive and hostile envy.

Is it normal to be jealous of your best friend?

Yes. Jealousy can arise even in close relationships, especially when the other person achieves a goal that is important to you. The feeling itself does not mean a lack of love or friendship. What matters is how you act under its influence.

How to stop being jealous of other people's wealth?

Try to identify what opportunities you associate with other people's money: security, comfort, freedom, or high status. Then evaluate the available ways to improve your own situation. It is important to consider real economic constraints.

Can envy motivate?

Yes, under certain conditions. Research shows that constructive envy can increase motivation to improve if a person believes the desired outcome is achievable. However, this effect is not universal.

How to stop comparing yourself to others on social media?

You can limit the content that regularly makes you feel dissatisfied with yourself, hide certain posts, and define your own criteria for success. At the same time, there is no need to completely abandon social media if it brings benefits.

Can envy cause depression?

Studies have found links between envy, negative social comparisons, and depressive symptoms. But this does not prove that envy itself causes depression. In fact, in some studies, depressive symptoms have been shown to precede increased negative comparisons.

How to teach a child not to envy others?

Help your child name their feelings, discuss their desires, and understand the differences between people. Don't shame them for being jealous or use other children's successes as a constant point of comparison. It's more beneficial to support individual development.

Important: The article is for informational purposes only and does not replace the advice of a psychologist, psychotherapist or doctor. Self-medication of mental disorders can be harmful to health. If envy is accompanied by persistent depressed mood, severe anxiety, intrusive thoughts, sleep disturbances or significantly affects daily life, be sure to consult a doctor or mental health professional.